The First 100 Days Awards Show
You are cordially invited to the Trump Administration's First 100 Days Awards Ceremony.
Thank you, everyone. It is an honor to be your host tonight, and I cannot begin to express how excited I am to be here. You know, the first 100 days of an administration always felt like a bit of an arbitrary metric to me. Of the 1,461 days in a 4-year term, 100 is barely 7% of that. It’s hard to dish out adequate judgment when there’s still so much time left for things to get so much worse.
Nevertheless, 100 days is a nice round number and still plenty of time to take action on the most important issues an incoming administration wants to tackle. For instance, grocery prices are at all-time highs, and the Trump administration decided on day one to rename the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. Problem solved. Trump promised to end the war in Ukraine on day one, but the only major foreign policy move the Trump administration has made was sending JD Vance to kill the pope.
The two biggest stories of this second Trump term have been deportation and tariffs. It’s tough to pick just one, as they’ve dominated the news cycle going back and forth between Trump’s will-he-won’t-he tariff implementation and Trump’s less ambivalent willingness to deport both legal U.S. residents and U.S. citizens. Consequential in their own ways, both of these issues have propelled the U.S. into a constitutional crisis from which we may never be the same. Personally, I voted for Trump because I thought he was going to bring back Phantom of the Opera, but I may have to wait for the second hundred days. Fingers crossed. In the meantime, though, we must bear witness.
Chuck Schumer is here tonight, everyone; let’s give him a round of applause. Chuck, thank you for being here. We know you cancelled your entire book tour to make it tonight, maybe a bit overreactive for one event, but we really appreciate it considering no one was reading that shit in the first place.
Y’all, Pete Hegseth is here tonight and nominated for all but one award. Can you believe that? Well done, Pete, well done. When they told me I was going to be hosting the ceremony tonight, I told my wife I was not going to drink a single drop of alcohol in preparation, and still to this minute I am dry. The fact that I’ve been leaking my Signal chats entirely sober is just as impressive.
Last but not least, we have Tim Pool in the audience tonight. He’s not nominated for anything, but much like everywhere else he’s invited, we all wish he wasn’t. This ceremony is, of course, a black tie event, so thank you, Tim, for following the dress code. And ladies and gentlemen, we decided to let the beanie stay on once we found out that he actually becomes more insufferable with it off. So please, Tim, by all means keep that thing snug.
Alright folks, we have a great show planned for you all tonight, so sit back, relax, and let’s look on in a dreadful awe at the first 100 days of the 47th United States presidential administration.
Biggest Loser Award
Nominees: Pete Hegseth, Chuck Schumer, JD Vance, Eric Adams, Elon Musk
Winner: Chuck Schumer
I could just leave this video here and move on, but I don’t want to be too lazy. In the first 100 days of Trump II, the Senate minority leader has managed to embody everything wrong with the Democratic party. Whether it’s his unwillingness to do what’s right even when it’s difficult (vote against the continuing budget resolution) or his undying loyalty to the state of Israel, the fecklessness and commitment to the status quo made Schumer an easy nominee.
What really elevated his status to winner, however, has been the complete and utter collapse of Democratic support within their own base since the start of the term. Approval of the party amongst their own voters is at record lows, and despite being the Democratic leader of the Senate, there is nary a soul who sees Chuck Schumer as the vessel by which to oppose this administration. Right from the start it was obvious he wasn’t doing enough.
Democrats let Elon Musk walk in and tear the administrative state apart, they helped pass the Laken Riley Act, and they’ve continued to fund aid for Israel, all the while admitting that there is nothing they can do. Since the vote on the budget resolution, Schumer has been getting obliterated by everyone from the public and fellow Democrats to the hosts of The View. This award could have easily gone to just “Democrats,” but that’s not fair to all of them, and really this kind of failure needs a face to blame.
Just Put The Fries In The Bag Award
Nominees: Pete Hegseth, JD Vance, Kristi Noem, John Fetterman, Mark Zuckerberg
Winner: Kristi Noem
As a cabinet member within an administration birthed by TV America, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem knows exactly how to play for the cameras. Noem has won this award for her outstanding cosplay ability and commitment to looking like she’s doing something while not actually doing anything at all. Among everyone in the administration, no one knows how to sell it quite like Kristi.
Noem is the kind of politician who takes you for a fool. She is catering to a group of people who see images on a screen and make no attempt to examine them further once the light particles are processed by the brain. You are not on the front lines! Employing the fake it till you make it strategy only works when it’s believable. Nobody but the dumbest scourge of America is buying into the John Wayne schtick. If there is anyone who does less at work than I do, it’s Kristi Noem. Quit being extra and just put the fries in the bag, bro.
Kristi Noem also gets a dishonorary Invoking Holocaust Imagery On Purpose award for this photo from several weeks ago.
Fell For It Again Award
Nominees: Centrist Democrats, Donald the Dove Voters, Fortune 500 CEOs, Glenn Greenwald, Pete Hegseth
Winner: Donald the Dove Voters
Arguably the single biggest lie of the 2024 Trump campaign was their insistence on a commitment to peace. This wasn’t a new thing for Trump, considering his anti-Iraq War sentiment that played extremely well in the 2016 campaign, but within the last 6 weeks or so of the 2024 campaign, both Trump and Vance took that opportunity to push hard against the conflicts in the Middle East and Eastern Europe.
Trump was relentless with the proclamation that Russia would have never invaded Ukraine and that Hamas would have never attacked Israel if he had been president. Obviously complete bullshit, and equally impossible to know, at the absolute least Trump’s foreign policy in his first term was a major provocation for October 7th. Listing all of the military action of Trump’s first term is frivolous, but as is usually the case with Trump’s rhetorical strategy, if he says he’ll bring peace enough times, then enough people will think he will. And enough people did.
These people are the recipients of the only award tonight that acknowledges the most gullible our country has to offer. Despite promising to end the war in Ukraine on day 1, we are on day 100, and relations are the worst they’ve ever been. Despite promising to end the genocide of Palestinians (my words, not his), Israel has continued to receive military and monetary aid from the US. US policy on Israel right now is simply hoping they exterminate Palestinians faster and get it over with. In the last 2 months alone, the US has launched multiple airstrikes against the Houthis killing dozens of Yemeni civilians, and threatened Iran with aggressive action if they do not comply with U.S. demands.
The Trump administration has zero interest in curbing US military operations abroad, and you need to pick up a goddamn book for once if you think otherwise. Donald the dove voters, you fell for it again.
Goodest Boy Award
Nominees: JD Vance, Elon Musk, Pete Hegseth, John Fetterman, Mike Johnson
Winner: JD Vance
JD Vance is actually a better VP than people give him credit for. And by this I mean he embodies all of the pejorative qualities a vice president represents better than others have. Vance is powerless, insipid, and uninspiring. People know he’s slimy, and they know he’s a fraud, but he is the winner of this award tonight for always doing as he’s told and trying his best at everything.
Let’s start with his performance in the Oval Office during the Trump and Volodymyr Zelensky meeting. It was here that Vance set himself apart from the other nominees, as he scolded Zelensky for never once saying “thank you” to the US for all that they’ve done. After interpreting Zelensky’s desperate disposition—given the status of this conflict—as disrespect, Vance made sure to let Zelensky know who’s boss. How stupid Zelensky is, as the people of his country are massacred in a progressively hopeless defense against an invading force, to not grovel at the feet of our god-king. Good job, JD. You tell them!
Vance’s resume has also taken on the accomplishment of “annoying 4chan debatelord poster but on X.” Given who our president is, Twitter pettiness should not be a foreign concept, but where Trump gets by on his charisma and ability to be funny (not so much these days though), JD Vance’s rants emulate the worst of his personality. He’s a pseudo-intellectual that sometimes says “bullshit” and “retarded.” That’s what adults do! I mean, look at the length of these tweets. He’s whiny and petulant, but it’s all for the cause. You’re a good boy, JD.
Villain of the First 100 Days Award
Nominees: Donald Trump, Tom Homan, RFK Jr., Elon Musk, Pete Hegseth, Russell Vought, Jaime Dimon, Stephen Miller
Winner: Stephen Miller
Alright, no sarcasm or irony here for Stephen Miller. Fuck this guy. He’s the winner of the Biggest Villain Award because he is the architect of all of the worst this administration has to offer. Miller is a shadow president in a way Elon wishes he was. As Trump’s brain rots away with time, and he becomes progressively more tired of actually doing any governing, Stephen Miller has all but the final say on what gets done and when. We saw it in the first leaked Signal chat; Stephen Miller quite literally gave the green light on behalf of the President.
ICE and their deportations are all Miller. The cruelty of these disappearings and deportations is all Miller. The defiance of civil rights and the judiciary for the sake of ethnic superiority is all Miller. He represents the kind of hate and vitriol that any future administration must respond to with imprisonment.
The first 100 days of Trump II have brought immense pain and suffering to a number of groups with the least amount of resources to fight back. That kind of bullying is what cowards do. As to not absolve anyone else in the administration of blame or guilt, they are all responsible, but it’s Miller’s vision. He is devoid of a soul, and even though JD killed the Pope, Miller is the closest thing to the Antichrist in American politics right now.
Biggest Winner Award
Nominees: Crypto Billionaires, Israel, China, Claudia Sheinbaum, Curtis Yarvin
Winner: China
No one has benefitted more than China in these first 100 days. America’s greatest frenemy gets to sit back and watch as the U.S. starts a fire it can’t even put out. Let’s start with the tariffs. By acting entirely on impulse with zero foresight, the Trump administration has severed trade relationships with almost everybody. It’s not just about the scope of the tariffs but the haphazard and arrogant manner in which they’re discussed.
World leaders understand that Trump’s threats are empty and that the U.S. may actually carry less leverage than the last couple of centuries would have us believe. Trump’s tariff policy is the administration’s most disorganized policy so far, and as more countries realize that the US is a paper tiger when it comes to trade negotiations, they will look elsewhere. Most notably, China. Just this week it was reported that Port Los Angeles is expecting a ~40% decline in cargo. It’s happening.
In addition to the tariffs, the United States continues to push authoritarian boundaries domestically and continues to support war crimes abroad. The stones that the U.S. likes to toss in their glass house are beginning to pile up, and the rocks are getting bigger. As oligarchy and capitalism continue to destroy the standard of living for the average American, the facade of the American dream will fade into myth. As one empire falls, another fills its place.
If the Trump II admin has succeeded at anything so far, it has been progressing the freefall of the U.S.’s global standing. China won this award because of a big-picture outlook on what 3 and a half more years of these first 100 days looks like. BRICS truthers are going to be vindicated as the age of the American empire continues to collapse in front of our eyes. In the grand scheme of things, we may see the Age of America as a small blip in the history of mankind. By the way things are looking, the chapter right after ours may be about the Chinese Century that followed.